Busyness as a Badge of Honor

The pandemic has been a spiritual wake-up call for me. Perhaps the steepest learning curve has been deprogramming my default of living without limits. Like most white folk and middle-class people, I have been scripted and subsidized to dream big, to be all that I can be, to find my value in production and performance. The profit motive, the patriarchy, professional careerism and social media self-promotion have taught me to wear my busyness as a badge of honor. The problem is that doing so much chokes out my presence, playfulness and tenderness. When I try to gain the whole world, I lose my soul. Just like Jesus said.

The pandemic has prodded me on to a path of letting go, saying goodbye, sitting on the bench, saying “no” and waiting for who knows when. This is what my soul desperately needs, but the long process continues to be a daring prospect percolating with grief. I attempt to numb the loss of “normal life” with beer, NBA basketball and scrolling to read as many articles as I can possibly find on the internet. My spiritual life is a glorious mess, but I am grateful for therapy and a line-up of kindreds, first and foremost Lindsay, who consistently model vulnerability and give me full permission to do far less—the simple, subversive paradigm-shift that will set me free.